Tuesday, September 6, 2011

On Thirty Eve

I am trying to pep talk myself into tomorrow with a bowl of Mom's Waikiki Meatballs, cake, and Moose Drool. Soon I am going to pack my things together for a little trip over to see Sister, where she and B-I-L have been prepping for tomorrow's fancy dinner for a week.

I am not going to lie. I spent a few moments today in the shrubbery balling my head off for no other reason than my life at 30 is not even close to how I expected it would be at 20. Where did those 10 years go? Why can't I remember every detail of it all anymore?

The year in which I have been 29 was huge. The big Move. The big Job Change. The big Heartbreak of Divorce. The enormity of it all has been so overwhelming sometimes. My bootstraps can be awfully heavy.

Life moves so fast. So slow. So hard. So easy. I hate thinking that I have wasted any moment of it. That I have regrets that I cannot seem to turn into lessons. That I have sorrows I cannot seem to shake. That I let stress or sadness or loneliness keep me from enjoying every day as a gift. That I might turn bitter or cynical because of all of what happened when I was 29.

I am really hoping for a better year in which I am 30. But tonight...I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am 30.

Tomorrow I accept that.

(Cue the sappy ballad).


Amanda said...

You'll be okay Ash :) I can relate to the "my life isn't how I thought it would be." I don't have a career of my own, the last 11 years have been based on my husband's jobs, I'm in middle of nowhere MO, I'm 28 and have been married 11 year (who does that?), etc etc.

Just because it's not how you planned it, doesn't mean it can't still be awesome. 30 is a big deal, but you'll be okay :) You're an amazing person. Have your mental breakdown, wallow for a little bit, drink a lovely glass off something, and then pick yourself up again and adjust your plans :)

Tucsonlizzie said...

30 is pretty cool. I know you're going to ROCK it.