Saturday, February 26, 2011

Certain certainty certainly

A brief pause to reflect on a year in this Life. Rereading my own words stirs up memories both happy and painful.

Benjamin Franklin said it best that " this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

I think too there is always a certainty of change.

As I spent the last two weeks traveling the Southwest (again), surveying the space around me that was once a place to visit and now a place I call Home, I found myself contemplating all that has happened. Where I was. Where I thought I was going. Where I am now. Where I hope to be some day.

February has not been so great for various reasons. More than ever this month, I have been so much more acutely aware of what it means to be totally and completely alone sometimes. What it feels like to have a bad day, a rough week, an unexpected event, and to come home from it without a shoulder to lean on or cry into, bills that need paying, dishes that need washing, and no milk in the fridge for your dinner of cereal you are probably going to have again. How when you build a life with someone, all the things you didn't know how to do sort of just become the things they know how to do and you never have to learn them on your own.

Marriages and long-term relationships become symbiotic in nature; the best case scenarios are those which are facultative - beneficial to each but not necessary for survival. Mutualism. The worst case scenarios are those which are obligate - necessary for the survival of at least one at the expense of the other. Parasitic.

It is hard to admit, when you have made the choice to leave, that some form of symbiosis was the status quo. Without the other half of the equation, you feel weak. I've found myself there a few times this month. Feeling weak. Useless. Incapable. Inadequate. But even more than that, I have found myself scared shitless. Scared of not knowing how to start a fire in the woods with wet matches in a snowstorm. Scared of needing help. Scared of all of the unknowns that have presented themselves over the course of the last year, and all the ones that are yet to come.

Scared of not knowing how to buy a car.

Scared of doing my own taxes.

Scared of being parasitic.

But fear is the great motivator. And even though I intend to stay in bed all day today and mope, I know tomorrow I will get up and face these fears. At least the ones I can manage right now.

Tomorrow I will make the phone calls I need to make, keep the appointments that I need to keep, and go to the grocery store and buy my own damn milk.

Because in my reflections of the last year, I can't help but be a little surprised at myself and my capacity to affect and accept change.

Even the changes I certainly did not expect.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you need anything, give a buzz. Just because you are single, that doesn't mean you are alone. The miles may be many, you still have support from others.